Details of Our Surprise Bean #4

First of all, thank you all so much for the wonderful and supportive comments, emails and FB comments/posts. I was trying to keep it off of FB, but it this world, these days, that's pretty much impossible. Oh well, no worries. But really, I cannot tell you enough how much it means to me that people understand and are supportive. I was so scared to tell everyone for fear of judgement, but I needed to, and I am so glad I did! Thanks again!!!!

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Since I've once again, picked myself up off the floor and accepted that I am having another baby, I thought I give ya'll the details! The symptoms and my emotions are here in full force.

As I said, the symptoms started (like nausea, not being able to eat big meals without gagging, formula smelled awful and made me running to the sink, super thirsty, headaches, tired) and Tim begged me to take a pregnancy test on Tuesday, June 21st at night to rule-out that I was pregnant. I laughed at him and said, "fine, because I'm NOT pregnant. That's insane that you even would think that! I'm on birth control and we couldn't even get pregnant when we did everything possible on our own and with help to get pregnant, what makes you think boom, one time on birth control I'm pregnant, but what-ever, I'll take the darn test!"

Within two simple seconds, everything changed. I sat there in a daze starring at the two lines on the test. The pregnancy line showed up before the control line. Shoot. What the heck. No way. I screamed at Tim and said. "oh my goodness, it's positive!" I was in complete disbelief. SO many thoughts came rushing over me. I seriously felt faint. I held on to the top the towel rack in the bathroom and just said, "no, no, no. oh my gosh, TIIIIIMMMMM!"  Tim sat on the edge of the bed and kept saying, "come here honey, give me a hug. It's ok." I'll never forget how supportive and accepting he was from the first second, unlike me. I couldn't and wouldn't accept it. I laid down on the bed and needless to say I got no sleep all night. I had so many thoughts, so many emotions. Finally when I could go to the bathroom again, I took another test and within two seconds again the test was positive. The line was super dark in just two seconds. I woke Tim up and said, "I guess it's really true!" But it still didn't change my feelings on the entire situation. We were leaving for Penn the next day and how was I suppose to keep this secret? I knew I couldn't and wouldn't be able to.

I just keep asking myself why and how (I mean, I know how, but really how do you do everything possible from a freakin fertility rock (by the way, I'm removing that rock from this house!!!!! Apparently it works too well...so anyone who wants it, it's yours!) to IVF to get pregnant with no hope and the only chance of conceiving is IVF and then one time while I'm on birth control and boom I'm pregnant???). Why now? Not now. Please, not now.

Don't get me wrong, of course I know and feel that this is a blessing and this child is already loved to the fullest, but it has taken me time to accept it. I never in my life thought that I would ever feel like this. I always said that if we were ever blessed to have other children, it would be nothing less than a blessing and a miracle. And this baby is just that, a blessing and a complete miracle.

I guess the biggest problem I have is that I have almost seven month old triplets who take up so much of my time. They are my life and I love that they are my life. My life revolves around them. My heart is bursting with love for them and I can't imagine splitting my heart and time even more that it already is. I can't imagine being pregnant and doing all that I do to care for them and our household. I can't imagine going through another horrible pregnancy again and another horrible delivery. I almost lost my uterus last time, what will happen this time? What if they can't stop the bleeding this time? What if something happens to me? Will I even get to take my baby home from the hospital this time with me? I can't take another NICU stay. I can't go through that again. I can't and I won't leave my baby again.

I can't imagine having 13/14 month old triplets and a newborn to care for (I'm pretty sure I conceived in April, no later than April 25th - So at the most I'm 13/14 weeks, at the least I'm 11 weeks- Appt is Aug 4th!). How do I care for everyone? I can't explain to them that mommy has another baby. My heart hurts because of that.  I don't expect many to understand my thoughts and feelings because not many people have triplets! Not many people know what I go through day in and day out to raise our family.

I'm scared of what's to come. I feel guilty for being a bad mom and not having enough time as it is. I don't have time to go to the doctor. I don't have time to have the rest I need. I don't have the strenght right now to deal with these emotions. I'm just lost. I feel guilty for even saying that, but I am being honest here. I can't hide how I feel, only what I choose to do with what I feel.

I'm still suffering from some PTSD from my birth experience, NICU experience and deep emotions with almost loosing my daughter many times. No mother should ever have to go through what I did. No mother should ever have to leave their flesh and blood for weeks at end, especially when their child is suffering so badly and might not survive.  I was in such a dark place for a long time. It was not a good time in my life. I worry that I won't get to bring another baby home with me from the hospital, that something will go wrong.

Yes, I know that I could have an easy pregnancy, an easy delivery, and get to bring my baby home from the hospital, but I can't help at be scared at the unknown.

All of these things went through my head for the whole night (and the last few weeks too). I called a few of my closest friends and told them because of course I had to tell someone and get some advice before I took myself to a bridge and jumped off! JK!

The next day, we told my mom and my sister. My dad was out of town so I had to call him and tell him over the phone. My mom almost died. My dad was totally supportive. We waited until we got to PA to tell my MIL and she almost died too. She kept asking if we were joking. Afraid not. And then we called my SIL and she kept asking us the same thing but when she realized we weren't joking she was super supportive too. All of the PA family heard the news when we were there and even though the words kept coming out of my mouth, I wasn't believing it myself. The following weekend at the cabin, we told my family and they were shocked also. Everyone has been so supportive though.

I was feeling great until last weekend when the nausea and vomiting really started up. Everyday I have been sick, and so the zofran, once again has been a lifesaver. Changing stinky diapers in the morning is the WORST and normally sends me running to the sink, leaving a child in the crib with no diaper on...LOVELY right?! I just shake my head in disbelief.

But it's been a few weeks and reality has set in. I have started to accept this blessing and know that this is God's plan for our family no matter what I may think. Plus, the nausea will not let me forget that there is in fact a little new bean growing in my belly, and I am giddy at just that. I can't believe my three little babies are going to be BIG sisters! This is just plain ole crazy!