Struggles

I am so miserable. No one really understands what I am going through these days other than me. It sounds selfish to say, but it's true. Even though this pregnancy is nothing short of a complete surprise and miracle, I would be lying to everyone, including myself to say this is easy. This is anything BUT! I am struggling so much, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I am puking constantly. CONSTANTLY. I am gagging a million times a day, a million times an hour. At.Every.Single.Thing. It is horrible, just miserable. I swear I am ten times more sick than I ever was with the girls. I hope that doesn't mean I am having sextuplets this time! Haha. That makes me laugh and want to run to the nearest, highest bridge I can find and JUMP, both at the same time.

Everything and every single smell sends me running to the bathroom or the kitchen sink. Just the freakin' thought of smells makes me gag. The smell of the banana oatmeal or rice cereal in the morning makes me gag. Dirty wet bibs makes me gag. Formula and old bottles makes me gag. The laundry makes me gag.  Dishes in the sink, let's just say I don't even attempt to get near them, that is unless I'm running to the sink to puke. Changing a hundred freakin' dirty diapers in the morning hours sends me EACH and EVERY time to the sink, still leaving a child without a diaper on for a few minutes while I feel like I am literally dying. Tears running down my face, not being able to breath, just dying.

I have tried everything and anything. Eating - I just puke it back up. Taking a bite of food and focusing on how good it tastes while I would go to change a diaper - didn't help, I still puke. A mask...no lie...here is proof...

Zofran seems to do nothing. NOTHING. Not a difference whether I take it or I don't. And I hate wasting it because I literally just puke it back up in an hour or so. Before, with the girls, it made all the difference. Now, nothing. Now, when I need it the most, nothing. And the side effects from the Zofran...it's a double edge sword, take it and just maybe I would make it through an hour without puking, but then the headaches and the extreme constipation is absolutely unbearable. There is nothing worse then constipation, well maybe puking and gagging! And I have it all.

I guess when I was pregnant with the girls, I could easily avoid the things that made me sick, but now that's impossible. I have a duty to my kids, they can't wait until Daddy gets home for a clean diaper. What am I suppose to do other than do it and suffer myself?

I drink ginger ale like it's going out of style. And water with lemon. I'm not even that nauseous, it's the gagging on everything that's the worst. Even Preggo Pops don't do a thing this time.

Sometimes, as horrible as this sounds, just the smell of the girls, makes me gag. How horrible is that?!

The night sweats are back in full force. I feel like I did in the days after I gave birth. Horrible. I freeze and shiver and then wake up literally soaking in my own sweat. Lovely, I know.

I hate this. I struggle everyday because I am still trying to remember this pregnancy is a miracle but I am struggling ten times worse than I ever thought I would. God is surely testing me. I have so many feelings. So many thoughts. I can't even get it all out. I just cry at everything, and every emotion.

But nothing beats the puking and the gagging though. I am down right miserable day in and day out. Please pray for me. I am at my wits end and I just don't know where to turn.