So Many Thoughts...

Thank you to so many of you who shared you stories, advice, prayers and thoughts on my post a few days ago. I truly, truly appreciate it. So many of you brought smiles to my face.

I just want to get out my thoughts, here on paper (or the screen) because it's eating me inside keeping it all in my head. To be honest, some days right now are better than others, some moments are better than others. Once again, I am good at hiding my emotions and acting like everything is just peachy! That's just who I am, I keep the household moving, the stuff done (most of the time) and life just goes on. But sometimes I literally have to stop myself from thinking the worst, but it's hard not to. I don't live in a fairy tale world, and therefore I could have cancer. I am scared to death to hear the words, "you have cancer". My heart races and my stomach turns just thinking about it. But really how can I not think about? How could anyone not think about it if it was them!?! Everything is going on like normal here and day after day, I am just left wondering. My life could be so different in two weeks or even a few months from now than I ever thought imaginable! I AM SCARED. I keep thinking, "there's just no way...not me...don't think the worst..." but really, it could be me, and it could be the worst! I am no one different than the next person. I don't deserve this just as much as anyone, so who's to say it won't be me?!

I start to think about what would happen and that scares me even more. Being away from my babies. Not knowing for how long. Kemo? Radiation? Isolation? Surgery? My sweet Anna-Kate in the NICU, smaller than her sisters ever were. What if she has long term effects from being born so early and it was because of me!? What if I choose (if possible) to keep her in longer and I suffer because of it? What if my doctors don't do enough and the cancer comes anyway with the next pap-smear? Just thinking that any day, any moment, those levels can change and your cells can go from pre-cancer to cancer, just frightens the crap out of me. I want it all out of my body and now! I hate it! I hate that it's in there. I am mad that it's in there doing this to me! Making me struggle. Making me scared. Making me focus on something other than what I want to focus on. It's literally making me crazy! I hate it!!

I don't want to see the doctor's office number come up on my phone. I don't want to hear my doctor's voice. I don't want to hear the results...but yet they cant's come soon enough. I am so scared to hear them. Not knowing when they will call freaks me out too. What if they call early, is that a bad sign? If it's the doctor's voice I hear, I'll know it's the worse, but if it's only the nurse's voice, it will probably be the same. I'll more than likely be here alone, with my girls when I get the call and that scares me. How do I tell my husband that he needs to come home immediately. That our life is changing right now. How do I tell the people I care about the most? I don't even know where to begin and I don't want to.

I hate to feel like a burden. I don't want to be one. I take care of people. I always have. I am a giver, not a receiver.  Never have been. To think other people would have to help me, take care of me, take care of my children, my family...I hate that! I don't want to be a burden on anyone. Tim and I always say that no one is responsible for our family and our children but us. We have pride in that. We work well as a team, day in and day out and to think we would have to change things up, isn't what I want! I don't want anyone to have to feel they need to help, need to feel bad for us...but what would I do? This isn't me!! I hate even having to think about this!

On another thought, I am so thankful for Anna-Kate and this pregnancy in so many ways. Her little self could potentially be saving my life. I wouldn't have been going to the doctor to get a pap-smear when I did, I would have waited until sometime later this year, when it really could have progressed to be much worse than it could be now. I'll never know and I don't want to know. God has given me each of my children for such special reasons, and it's simply amazing. My sweet Madelynn, Claire and Natalee, they made me a Momma. Nothing was or could be better than being their Momma. My sweet Emily healed my heart from so many wounds that I experience through my pregnancy/birth/post-partum from the triplets. I didn't think it was possible to ever heal from the trauma I and them went through and she made me believe I could. God gave me her for a reason, for that I am sure. And now, my little bean, Anna-Kate, is possibly saving my life. If I hadn't had a pap-smear when I did, I wouldn't have known my levels were much worse than the previous year. I wouldn't have been checked and when I did, it may have been much worse than I ever feared. God has given me her for a reason too. I feel I should be on my knees thanking God each and every day for these blessings. My heart is full and I am trying to remember that each moment I feel the most scared and unsure.

I'm trying so hard to be positive. I really am. I'm scared to death and living in denial in every moment. Scared to death that I could really have cancer and living in denial that there is no way it could really happen to me.