Cervical Cancer

To be honest, I don't even know where to start this post. Or where to go with it. It's been on my mind for sometime now and I feel like I just have to get it out. I'm not one to keep secrets or things to myself.

I have so much on my mind, it's hard to even put the words to paper. But I need to write. This is my outlet. This is how I cope. Not everyone will understand that, but I don't care. This is my blog and my choice to put my fears, my anxiety, my struggles, everything, out there.

So here goes...I apologize for the length of this post and others that will follow.

Since I was about 19 years old, I have had abnormal pap-smears. Every single year. Year after year. And so each year, I then have colposcopies with/without biopsying parts of my cervix. I have these done each year, while pregnant or not. They aren't fun, but I am used to it.

As I have talked about before, I had abnormal menstrual cycles from the time they started, endometriosis and many surgeries to help me increase my chances of having a baby. Ultimately IVF, I believed, cured me from that horrible disease.

But each year, I worry that my pap smear will be worse than the previous year. And this year (technically last year) that fear came true. Right now, my cervical cells have gone to the highest form of non-cancerous abnormal cells that a woman can have before cancer. I was surprised, but I knew this day might come. To have the highest grade of abnormal cells, where there is no where to go but to cancer, is a little scary. Okay, it's very scary. I'm 27 years old and I have five young children. I do not want to have cancer!

Tim and I spoke in length with my OB at each appointment and he had a lot of information to give me. I'll try to sum it up. Not to overwhelm anyone, I just want this for my own reference, memory and to document this journey. Basically from the lowest level of abnormal cells to the highest level of cancer, on average, takes about 10 years. From the highest level of abnormal cells (me) to the lowest form of cancerous cells, on average, is about 2-3 years. This is where I am at. Again I have had these abnormal cells for 10 years, but this is the first time it's been the highest grade of pre-cancerous cells. My last pap-smear before this past one was after I had Emily.

So this past Monday I had my colposcopy. I didn't have any biopies and my cervix didn't scream "CANCER" but there are a LOT of abnormalities, way more than even a year ago, which the same OB did, so he had a reference to go on a year ago. He did another pap-smear and I am waiting for results. We talked in length about what happens if it does come back cancerous. Apparently the cells can change very quickly. My pap-smear that showed the highest grade of abnormal cells was on December 24, 2012 and there can be significant changes in just one month, apparently. 

He talked a lot more about cancer after doing the colposcopy then he did at my other appointments, which I am trying not to read into, but of course I am.

So I wait. And wait. Most likely it will be a few weeks before we know what will happen. Of course, let me explain some more details as to what would follow. 

If it comes back as cancer, my life will take a drastic change. For starters I will have to deliver Anna-Kate via c-section "very quickly" as my doctor stated. He kept saying "things will move very quickly if it's cancer". If it keeps coming back as highest grade of non-cancerous cells throughout my pregnancy then we will make our decisions as to what to do when Anna-Kate is born (I'll explain more below). Of course this is best case scenario, and what we are praying for. But if at anytime my cells change to cancer during my pregnancy, she will need to be delivered and I will have a full hysterectomy. 

Of course this is extremely scary. EXTREMELY SCARY. I'm freaking out to be honest. I am trying to be optimistic and not think worst case scenario, but I am also trying to be realistic and not naive to the whole process. We all are guilty of thinking at some point in our life, that "it won't happen to me"...but the truth is, anything could happen to any of us. It's hard to hear, "there's a likely chance you have cancer, and your baby might have to be born at 28 weeks but you have to wait for results for a few weeks" and then go on like nothing is wrong. Go on with your life, when your life could be changing more than you ever thought possible in two weeks. 

I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm fearful. It's unsettling, hard and emotional. Cancer. We're talking about cancer. I am 27 years old for goodness sake! Lord, I don't know what to feel or what to think. Like I said, I am trying to not think about it, but honestly, how do you do that? I fell like I am not talking about me, not me, someone else. I look at my girls and it makes me sad. I feel Anna inside of me and I am sad. The scary possibilities that everything could change in just a few simple weeks. I don't know what the future holds and waiting is not fun. I am not a patient waiter.

Thinking my unborn daughter's life is possibly at risk. Thinking my life is at risk. Of course I want the best for Anna-Kate and I will fight with every being in my body to keep her in me as long as I can, but I have to follow what my OB and oncologist suggest. They are the doctors, not me. Serious NICU time, possible issues for life, a baby smaller than my Natalee...that is SCARY and frankly I don't want any of that! I know what I want isn't what always happens, so I know the only thing I can be assured of is that God has a plan here. I would hate for anything to happen to her because of me. There are just so many thoughts. I am preparing my list of questions for if it is cancer and it literally makes my mind spin in anxiety. Do I need radiation, kemo...what's the protocol? Can my baby stay in for a few more weeks or will the risk be too high for me? The list goes on and on.

And then if it isn't cancer, after Anna-Kate is born, I have a lot of choices to make. Invasive surgeries are most likely what I am looking at. I will be going to see a gynecological oncologist to look over my options. I do not want to look back next year or the following year and say, I wish I would have/could have...and I chose not to. That will not be me. I told my OB I wanted to do something that will give me the best chance of not getting cancer, of course. Unfortunately there isn't anything that can completely "cure" me of possible cancerous cells. Even a full hysterectomy will not confirm that I will never get cervical cancer (I didn't know that at all!). The cells can grow other places even without having a cervix!

There isn't much research/statistics on how many women have abnormal paps that develop into cancer versus those who don't ever get cancer. So, it's hard to say. I have found some research but not enough to narrow down (in my mind) my possibilities.

It boils down to the fact that I have five beautiful children and we are not planning on having anymore. Therefore I do not care to "keep" my cervix, but the OB at this time thinks that there are less invasive things we can do that will reduce my risks of cervical cancer than taking it out..unless of course it turns to cancer at anytime. Like I said, I will be going over the options before we make any decisions. I don't want to opt for the invasive surgery/procedure because it's easy or most accepted, I want to reduce my chances of developing cancer the most I can, and as quickly as I can.

So, if you would, I just ask for you to keep me in your prayers. I know the power of prayer, God is good! That would be most appreciative. As soon as I know something, I will update.