Hysterectomy

I know it's been awhile since I've updated about my hysterectomy/cancer issues. So, here goes:

I went to the oncologist on September 3rd to talk over my results of my colposcopy and biopsies.  He said something for sure needs to be done, and done very soon. He suggested I either do the hysterectomy or a cone biopsy. I asked him about what I've read regarding having a cone biopsy and then it being much harder to detect cancer in the future and he said for sure it is MUCH harder to detect cancer after a cone biopsy. He stated that if I was to get cancer after a cone biopsy, it is likely not caught until very late. That sealed the deal for me. I have too much life ahead of me to still worry about it, even after having a procedure done. TAKE IT OUT! So, he agreed too, if that was my wishes, that it would be best. 

We talked for a few minutes regarding the surgery and what it entails. He said of course their is a risk in hitting my bladder because I have had two c-sections and two laparoscopies, but that there are risks in every surgery. Duh, thanks for the reassurance doc! He said he can in fact try to do a laparoscopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy, but he won't know for sure until he's in the OR. 

Everything will be biopsied and examined once it's out of me to make sure there is NO cancer anywhere, and if there is, we go from there, then. He said there is always a chance that they miss the cancer cells on the colposcopies, so we just have to wait and see. 

As for now, they will take my cervix, uterus and tubes, hopefully leaving my ovaries. I talked to him about how Dr. R (who delivered Emily and Anna) said that he saw endometriosis in me during my c-section., which still blows my mind considering how easy we got pregnant with Em and Anna. I asked if he could look around and examine the area and make a determination if my ovaries needed to come out or anything else needed to be done while he was in there and he said he would. That made me feel really good. I don't have time to have another surgery to get rid of endometriosis and since I am still going to have my ovaries and therefor still have hormones, endometriosis can still grow and cause me problems! Errrr.

So my surgery has been scheduled for October 9th, 2013 at 10:30am. I have to be there at 8:30am and the hospital that I have to go to is two hours away. I am not looking forward to the day before "prep" if ya know what I mean. Blah. So, that should be a fun start, liquid diet and living in the bathroom all day before. Blah. I will be in the hospital for 1-2 days providing everything goes to plan, even though my instructions say 3-6 days. Then I hope to go to my parent's house for a few days to recover and stay in bed. Isn't exactly the vacation I was looking for. I can't do stairs but once a day for the first week and no driving for 3-4 weeks!! The nurse was very firm with me that this is major internal surgery and not like a c-section. She said I must have help and take it easy! I almost died of laughter and then told her I have five little girls, 2.5 years and younger. Must have help? Riiiiight..does this lady know who I am??

So....with a month to go, I am going to make lots of meals, try to plan some help for me and the girls, get everything together....and hope for the best.  I am going to miss the girls so much but I try to not think about it too much right now. I know this month will go so fast. I have to remember that this is the best option for me, right now and I need to be healthy for my girls and my husband. I want to live a long, happy life that does not involve cancer, so I am going to do whatever I have to do to make sure of it. I am definitely scared. It's totally different having surgery when you have children that need you. I'm Momma and we all know, no one can do it like Momma. I hate being a burden to anyone and asking for help just isn't what I like to do. I don't want to depend on other people to help me and my family. I just hate that, but I know this time I am really going to need help in so many ways.

I have 28 days left. Good gracious. I have a lot to do to prepare! Thank you for all those that have been keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers, it is appreciated so much. 

All Beacause 2 People Fell in Love...

All because 2 people fell in love...

 Less than 10% chance of having children "on our own".

12 long months of unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy.

62% chance of successful IVF.

2% chance of triplets.

1 out of 535 births are triplets, quads or more.

1 out of 250 births are identical twins.

3 daughters, 1 set of identical twins and a fraternal, at 24 years old.

Born at 32 weeks and 2 days.

2 days before Christmas.

7 weeks and 5 days premature.

49 long days in the NICU.

Less than 10% chance of ever having more children "on our own".

1% chance of getting pregnant on birth control while taken as directed.

4 months between pregnancies.

4 children; 4 girls at 26 years old.

13-14 months apart.

=

1 happy and blessed beyond words family!

Visiting with Dr. Stillman!

Last week I received a call from the marketing division at Shady Grove Fertility Center informing me that they had this new website where doctors and patients can share their "joy" stories of successful treatments within the past twenty years, since they are celebrating 20 years and 27,000 births!!!  And the best part of all, Dr. Stillman decided that our family was his "joy" story for the past 30 years+ of his practice in infertility! I was so thrilled and so honored!

If you haven't heard the story of how Dr. Stillman is a legend in our family, here is the gist:

It took my parents 13 years to conceive a child; me. My mom had many surgeries with severe endometriosis, lots of reconstructive work and a very small chance of ever having a child. Of course 25-30 years ago, technology was very different than today, especially when it came to IVF! IVF was just in the very, very beginning stages. Dr. Stillman was still a surgeon then at GW, and preformed my mom's last four surgeries to clear endo out and to try and fix all of her issues. And so my mom was placed 4th on the list with Dr. Stillman for IVF, and she miraculously got pregnant the month prior, with me. She had a less than 10% chance of ever having another child and five years later my sister was born.  So we would not be here if it wasn't for Dr. Stillman.

And then 5 years ago, after an appendectomy, I was diagnosed with endometriosis also. After a surgery in 2009, I was told I had a semi-good chance of having children, even with having stage-IV endo, but it needed to be right away and my best chances would be after I had surgery each year to clean the endo out. Well, when Tim and I got married in May 2009, I had been off of birth control since January and so we started "trying" even before we were married, and in July 2009, we went to meet Dr. Stillman. Since I already had a severe diagnosis, I didn't have to wait the normal amount of time before seeing a fertility specialist. Dr. Stillman was speechless, a patient of a patient! It was really awesome to meet the man who helped my parents and little did I know how much he would help my own possibilities of a family. Dr. Stillman said that our best chance of having a baby would be to do IVF. It is the best approach with dealing with the pain of endo and surpassing all the issues that endo creates when trying to have a baby. Little did I know, how right he was. After many, many failed attempts at IUI's we finally decided to go for IVF in April/May 2010, and with two embryos and a 1% chance of triplets....here we are today with our three beautiful 7.5 month old little girls, plus another miracle surprise baby on the way! I'd say we are quiet the success story too!

Needless to say, Dr. Stillman will be forever a part of our family! I am so honored he chose our family story to be his "joy" story! We were invited to come and take a picture with him for the website and it will be posted at Family Day 2011 in September!

Thank you for all the wonderful help in our family, Dr. Stillman!!!

The girls were of course the highlight of the marketing office! Everyone was so sweet!! So here we all are, with our NEW stroller too:

I guess I should get used to eating a jar of pickles in one sitting...

I mean, if you know me, you know I love pickles and eating A LOT of pickles is not that big of a deal but I have heard that you should watch your salt intake when your...

PREGNANT!!

That's right, after our first attempt at IVF....

WE ARE HAVING A BABY (OR TWO, OR EVEN MAYBE THREE)!!!!!!!!

I AM PREGNANT!!

I cannot believe it! I have been in so much pain the past few days that they moved up my blood test from Monday to Friday. Then yesterday, the pain got even worse and I started vomiting. Nurse My Favorite and Dr. Stillman were getting very concerned and wanted to get the blood test asap, so that when it came back negative (or not), I could stop the drugs immediately that were causing the pain. The pain has been unbearable. It's all because of one thing:

ENDOMETRIOSIS

That lovely disease that attacks organs and the abdominal cavity (or even the brain) and causes so much pain and discomfort. In my body, because I have Stage IV (severe), my abdominal cavity is full of endometriosis, so because my uterus is now growing (at a rapid rate) it is aggravating all of the endometriosis which it's surrounded in. So when I eat, it's painful since my stomach expands and pushes against everything. UGH...it's a never ending battle and it will be for the next few months. They already said, this will not be an easy pregnancy in the beginning. 

That's ok. As bad as the pain is, it's all worth it now. I am pregnant. Holy crap! 

This morning, not an ounce of me thought that I would be pregnant today. I didn't take my Estrace or my Progesterone. I brought my calender with me so that I could start penciling in my next cycle. I was so depressed. I put my arm out to get my blood drawn and almost started crying. I wanted to cringe at the other people in the waiting room. I thought well I guess I will be the next RESOLVE leader for Rockville (the current leader just became pregnant after 5 IVF cycles and I said that I would love to volunteer) because I know wouldn't be pregnant.

I went back to my Mom's house, so that I could get the bad news there and around 9:15 I saw "Shady Grove Fertility Clinic" light up on my phone and I thought, here we go. Nurse My Favorite said "Hi Holly"...."It's positive"..."It's REALLY positive"! I literally grabbed the garage door and mom started screaming. I don't even know what came out of my mouth other than crying and screaming and oh my gosh, all in about five minutes. I started shaking. I could barley control myself. I just kept asking, "what's my number, what's my number"? My HCG number, well it was...

641

Yes, 641...the normal for a "day 15" after fertilization should be around 130 or so. Me---641!!!!!!! She then went on to say, "we can almost assume multiples here".

Ummm.....wait, are we still talking about me? My belly? My babies?

OH MY GOSH!

The rest of the day was a blur, between my episodes of severe pain and nausea, I was calling everyone I knew, I'm sure the mailman heard me screaming. I was shaking for two hours. I still cannot believe it. We are in such disbelief. Tim thought I was joking, he heard me crying and thought I was going to say it's negative, but boy was he wrong. All I wanted to do was hug him. I couldn't let go of him for an hour. I think he's already kissed my belly a hundred times just since he got home from work. Sweet man, he will make a wonderful daddy.

My stomach is SO sore! I am SO bloated. It feels like someone has taken a rubber-band from the top of my chest and pulled it down and it won't go anymore...the stretching is really weird. I want to "pop" my stomach already...that's what makes me think that we have more then one little one in there.

And I have to take the pain meds every 4 hours or I'm back on the bed in a fetal position rocking back and forth. I managed to eat three meals today and not vomit, so that was a successful day.

We just had dinner with my Mom and Dad and they along with Tim enjoyed a bottle of champagne, while I had ginger ale. I wanted to come home and finally take that pregnancy test and actually see two lines pop up FOR REAL...and within 2 seconds the line was there, brighter than the freakin' test line. I just can't stop starring at it. Tim was like "let me see it, let me see it"...haha, I'm like "do you want to take it for show and tell tomorrow with the guys"? He's so funny!

So, after 13 months, we are finally pregnant!!! Next beta on Friday and then another on Monday. First sonogram is at 6 weeks. Today I am offically 4w1d...AMAZING. Simply amazing.

Oh, God is good! 

My life while trying to conceive!

Infertility may be the most difficult time of not only a womans's life but her partner's also, in every way, spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. Here are just a few things Tim and I cam up with last night when I was on a rampage of a pissed off nature!

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.

That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your husband at O time.

That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

That when you see a 15 yer old in the mall with her infant, you want to secretly take her out and steal her baby because you know that you could do a much better job raising that baby then she could ever do! And how could God give her a baby and not me???

That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm!!!!

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month!

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant and you HATE when people tell you this!

That you have no control over some of the goals you set...no matter how hard you pray!

That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

That one day my husband would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

That miscarriage is so common and way more common than people think.

That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy, bringing out a person that I don't like to be.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills for WAY too long!!

That I would EVER be willing to stick a little yellow pill up my hoo-haa (progesterone pill...done vaginally), or that I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That my husband is the most wonderful and caring man and way more patient then me!

That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my husband about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

That medicine and procedures are not a sure way to get pregnant but it is a sure way to lose money fast.

That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my house in Aruba by now.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid!!!!!!!

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter where you are.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.

Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.

That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.

That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That one day all of this will make us stronger.

That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

That no one I know (besides God) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

That I'd be glad to know that I have endometriosis - because at least I know what's wrong with me.

That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes).

That foreplay would consist of my husband asking "How's your cervix today" or asking my Nurse if it's "the week yet".

That one person/couple could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648! And they make you get 3-5 a cylce!!!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."

That my husband would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

That when my husband and I are babysitting our friend's children, all we think about is when this will be our life for real!

That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have.

That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

That I would be sick of explaining what endometriosis was to those who have no clue!

That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future!

That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?"

That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That I would cringe at getting free packs of diapers, coupons and cans of formula in the mail...asking God, why this again? Really?!

That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period.

That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")

That your body has its own mind.

That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your mentally-ill 17 year old client who can't even put clothes on a doll!

That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to a lot of pain.

That you feel useless as a female.

That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.

That not being able to get work done all day because your reading "early pregancy symptoms" after you just O'd last night...on the same websites that you scan every month hoping you might feel something you didn't before.

That you think about a baby more times than your husband thinks about sex.