So Many Thoughts...

Thank you to so many of you who shared you stories, advice, prayers and thoughts on my post a few days ago. I truly, truly appreciate it. So many of you brought smiles to my face.

I just want to get out my thoughts, here on paper (or the screen) because it's eating me inside keeping it all in my head. To be honest, some days right now are better than others, some moments are better than others. Once again, I am good at hiding my emotions and acting like everything is just peachy! That's just who I am, I keep the household moving, the stuff done (most of the time) and life just goes on. But sometimes I literally have to stop myself from thinking the worst, but it's hard not to. I don't live in a fairy tale world, and therefore I could have cancer. I am scared to death to hear the words, "you have cancer". My heart races and my stomach turns just thinking about it. But really how can I not think about? How could anyone not think about it if it was them!?! Everything is going on like normal here and day after day, I am just left wondering. My life could be so different in two weeks or even a few months from now than I ever thought imaginable! I AM SCARED. I keep thinking, "there's just no way...not me...don't think the worst..." but really, it could be me, and it could be the worst! I am no one different than the next person. I don't deserve this just as much as anyone, so who's to say it won't be me?!

I start to think about what would happen and that scares me even more. Being away from my babies. Not knowing for how long. Kemo? Radiation? Isolation? Surgery? My sweet Anna-Kate in the NICU, smaller than her sisters ever were. What if she has long term effects from being born so early and it was because of me!? What if I choose (if possible) to keep her in longer and I suffer because of it? What if my doctors don't do enough and the cancer comes anyway with the next pap-smear? Just thinking that any day, any moment, those levels can change and your cells can go from pre-cancer to cancer, just frightens the crap out of me. I want it all out of my body and now! I hate it! I hate that it's in there. I am mad that it's in there doing this to me! Making me struggle. Making me scared. Making me focus on something other than what I want to focus on. It's literally making me crazy! I hate it!!

I don't want to see the doctor's office number come up on my phone. I don't want to hear my doctor's voice. I don't want to hear the results...but yet they cant's come soon enough. I am so scared to hear them. Not knowing when they will call freaks me out too. What if they call early, is that a bad sign? If it's the doctor's voice I hear, I'll know it's the worse, but if it's only the nurse's voice, it will probably be the same. I'll more than likely be here alone, with my girls when I get the call and that scares me. How do I tell my husband that he needs to come home immediately. That our life is changing right now. How do I tell the people I care about the most? I don't even know where to begin and I don't want to.

I hate to feel like a burden. I don't want to be one. I take care of people. I always have. I am a giver, not a receiver.  Never have been. To think other people would have to help me, take care of me, take care of my children, my family...I hate that! I don't want to be a burden on anyone. Tim and I always say that no one is responsible for our family and our children but us. We have pride in that. We work well as a team, day in and day out and to think we would have to change things up, isn't what I want! I don't want anyone to have to feel they need to help, need to feel bad for us...but what would I do? This isn't me!! I hate even having to think about this!

On another thought, I am so thankful for Anna-Kate and this pregnancy in so many ways. Her little self could potentially be saving my life. I wouldn't have been going to the doctor to get a pap-smear when I did, I would have waited until sometime later this year, when it really could have progressed to be much worse than it could be now. I'll never know and I don't want to know. God has given me each of my children for such special reasons, and it's simply amazing. My sweet Madelynn, Claire and Natalee, they made me a Momma. Nothing was or could be better than being their Momma. My sweet Emily healed my heart from so many wounds that I experience through my pregnancy/birth/post-partum from the triplets. I didn't think it was possible to ever heal from the trauma I and them went through and she made me believe I could. God gave me her for a reason, for that I am sure. And now, my little bean, Anna-Kate, is possibly saving my life. If I hadn't had a pap-smear when I did, I wouldn't have known my levels were much worse than the previous year. I wouldn't have been checked and when I did, it may have been much worse than I ever feared. God has given me her for a reason too. I feel I should be on my knees thanking God each and every day for these blessings. My heart is full and I am trying to remember that each moment I feel the most scared and unsure.

I'm trying so hard to be positive. I really am. I'm scared to death and living in denial in every moment. Scared to death that I could really have cancer and living in denial that there is no way it could really happen to me. 

Big Girl Table!

You can see I get little girl belts to belt them in if need be, but after one time of that, we haven't needed them! :)

Since Sunday {a few weeks ago} we have been very busy in our house learning how to sit at the "big girl" table. To say it hasn't been challenging would be a lie. I think I have said, "sit down, please", "please, stay in your seat while eating", "we don't eat and get up" ONE.BILLION.TIMES!!!!! I have neglected to let them sit at a table because, well then, I have three 2 year olds running around my kitchen instead of confined safely in high-chairs...no thank-you. Not yet. Nope. Sorry.

But....I finally gave in and it's been going, well, as good as any transition does. There is that learning curve that always poses a challenge, especially when there are multiple children trying to learn together and play off of one another. Ya know, it's silly when your sister throws food at the dog or you let water spill our of your mouth on purpose...everyone laughs.....except Momma.

As of now, 2 days in, Natalee is having the most problem with sitting still and not getting up. Madelynn and Claire are doing good, but their problem is that they like to stand on their chairs.  

I keep using, "you need to sit like big girls at the big girl table or you go in high chairs like babies, and you are all big girls"....which seems to be working well, for now.  Natalee is the only one who had a brief stint in the high chair for a minute or two, but it was only once. 

So here we are a few weeks later...like 3-5 weeks later. The table eating has been going better. It's not easy. For me. Natalee is still my biggest challenge, but the twins give me a run for my money too at least a few times a day.

But the girls love looking out the window at cars, and trucks, people, birds  dogs..whatever I can do to keep them entertained! They wave "hello" and "bye-bye" to any car that comes/goes. Tim is going to build some bird houses to attach to the outside of the window and I am sure they will LOVE that!

Please note..for family..they are not sitting in the seats with their names on them. Maddie is in Claire's chair, Natalee is in Maddie's chair....LOL!

Maddie looks like she is thinking, "Momma, it's not nice to take my picture when I just woke up!" Hehe!

But it's honestly been getting better and better as each day passes. Madelynn and Claire barely get up and even if I leave the kitchen for a minute or two, they still stay in their seats! Whahoo! We have come a long way! It's best when they are very hungry, they sit and eat all their food.

Oh and one more thing....on Valentine's day I made heart shaped grilled cheese {photo on facebook} and they ate the whole thing. Most days I can get them to take a bite or two of a sandwich and that's it. It's very frustrating! So from now on I have been giving them heart-shaped and flower-shaped pb&j, turkey sandwich, grilled cheese sandwich and any other thing I can put into a shape and they eat every bite! I was seriously sitting back and laughing! They wouldn't touch pb&j before and now it's gone before I can even get their fruit ready! I bet they will really starting gaining so weight, and that makes me happy! They are so silly and always seem to keep me on my toes...I sure love them more than anything!

Cervical Cancer

To be honest, I don't even know where to start this post. Or where to go with it. It's been on my mind for sometime now and I feel like I just have to get it out. I'm not one to keep secrets or things to myself.

I have so much on my mind, it's hard to even put the words to paper. But I need to write. This is my outlet. This is how I cope. Not everyone will understand that, but I don't care. This is my blog and my choice to put my fears, my anxiety, my struggles, everything, out there.

So here goes...I apologize for the length of this post and others that will follow.

Since I was about 19 years old, I have had abnormal pap-smears. Every single year. Year after year. And so each year, I then have colposcopies with/without biopsying parts of my cervix. I have these done each year, while pregnant or not. They aren't fun, but I am used to it.

As I have talked about before, I had abnormal menstrual cycles from the time they started, endometriosis and many surgeries to help me increase my chances of having a baby. Ultimately IVF, I believed, cured me from that horrible disease.

But each year, I worry that my pap smear will be worse than the previous year. And this year (technically last year) that fear came true. Right now, my cervical cells have gone to the highest form of non-cancerous abnormal cells that a woman can have before cancer. I was surprised, but I knew this day might come. To have the highest grade of abnormal cells, where there is no where to go but to cancer, is a little scary. Okay, it's very scary. I'm 27 years old and I have five young children. I do not want to have cancer!

Tim and I spoke in length with my OB at each appointment and he had a lot of information to give me. I'll try to sum it up. Not to overwhelm anyone, I just want this for my own reference, memory and to document this journey. Basically from the lowest level of abnormal cells to the highest level of cancer, on average, takes about 10 years. From the highest level of abnormal cells (me) to the lowest form of cancerous cells, on average, is about 2-3 years. This is where I am at. Again I have had these abnormal cells for 10 years, but this is the first time it's been the highest grade of pre-cancerous cells. My last pap-smear before this past one was after I had Emily.

So this past Monday I had my colposcopy. I didn't have any biopies and my cervix didn't scream "CANCER" but there are a LOT of abnormalities, way more than even a year ago, which the same OB did, so he had a reference to go on a year ago. He did another pap-smear and I am waiting for results. We talked in length about what happens if it does come back cancerous. Apparently the cells can change very quickly. My pap-smear that showed the highest grade of abnormal cells was on December 24, 2012 and there can be significant changes in just one month, apparently. 

He talked a lot more about cancer after doing the colposcopy then he did at my other appointments, which I am trying not to read into, but of course I am.

So I wait. And wait. Most likely it will be a few weeks before we know what will happen. Of course, let me explain some more details as to what would follow. 

If it comes back as cancer, my life will take a drastic change. For starters I will have to deliver Anna-Kate via c-section "very quickly" as my doctor stated. He kept saying "things will move very quickly if it's cancer". If it keeps coming back as highest grade of non-cancerous cells throughout my pregnancy then we will make our decisions as to what to do when Anna-Kate is born (I'll explain more below). Of course this is best case scenario, and what we are praying for. But if at anytime my cells change to cancer during my pregnancy, she will need to be delivered and I will have a full hysterectomy. 

Of course this is extremely scary. EXTREMELY SCARY. I'm freaking out to be honest. I am trying to be optimistic and not think worst case scenario, but I am also trying to be realistic and not naive to the whole process. We all are guilty of thinking at some point in our life, that "it won't happen to me"...but the truth is, anything could happen to any of us. It's hard to hear, "there's a likely chance you have cancer, and your baby might have to be born at 28 weeks but you have to wait for results for a few weeks" and then go on like nothing is wrong. Go on with your life, when your life could be changing more than you ever thought possible in two weeks. 

I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm fearful. It's unsettling, hard and emotional. Cancer. We're talking about cancer. I am 27 years old for goodness sake! Lord, I don't know what to feel or what to think. Like I said, I am trying to not think about it, but honestly, how do you do that? I fell like I am not talking about me, not me, someone else. I look at my girls and it makes me sad. I feel Anna inside of me and I am sad. The scary possibilities that everything could change in just a few simple weeks. I don't know what the future holds and waiting is not fun. I am not a patient waiter.

Thinking my unborn daughter's life is possibly at risk. Thinking my life is at risk. Of course I want the best for Anna-Kate and I will fight with every being in my body to keep her in me as long as I can, but I have to follow what my OB and oncologist suggest. They are the doctors, not me. Serious NICU time, possible issues for life, a baby smaller than my Natalee...that is SCARY and frankly I don't want any of that! I know what I want isn't what always happens, so I know the only thing I can be assured of is that God has a plan here. I would hate for anything to happen to her because of me. There are just so many thoughts. I am preparing my list of questions for if it is cancer and it literally makes my mind spin in anxiety. Do I need radiation, kemo...what's the protocol? Can my baby stay in for a few more weeks or will the risk be too high for me? The list goes on and on.

And then if it isn't cancer, after Anna-Kate is born, I have a lot of choices to make. Invasive surgeries are most likely what I am looking at. I will be going to see a gynecological oncologist to look over my options. I do not want to look back next year or the following year and say, I wish I would have/could have...and I chose not to. That will not be me. I told my OB I wanted to do something that will give me the best chance of not getting cancer, of course. Unfortunately there isn't anything that can completely "cure" me of possible cancerous cells. Even a full hysterectomy will not confirm that I will never get cervical cancer (I didn't know that at all!). The cells can grow other places even without having a cervix!

There isn't much research/statistics on how many women have abnormal paps that develop into cancer versus those who don't ever get cancer. So, it's hard to say. I have found some research but not enough to narrow down (in my mind) my possibilities.

It boils down to the fact that I have five beautiful children and we are not planning on having anymore. Therefore I do not care to "keep" my cervix, but the OB at this time thinks that there are less invasive things we can do that will reduce my risks of cervical cancer than taking it out..unless of course it turns to cancer at anytime. Like I said, I will be going over the options before we make any decisions. I don't want to opt for the invasive surgery/procedure because it's easy or most accepted, I want to reduce my chances of developing cancer the most I can, and as quickly as I can.

So, if you would, I just ask for you to keep me in your prayers. I know the power of prayer, God is good! That would be most appreciative. As soon as I know something, I will update. 

Pregnancy #3, Baby #5: Weeks 20-23; and a Concern

Weeks 20-22:

Everything has been going really well. Definitely expanding more. Weight is 142lbs (up from 135lbs). Feeling Anna-Kate more and more as each day passes. She loves to be active in the evening, just like all of her sisters did.

I was having a hard time sleeping, but that has improved in the last week or so.

I also have had a lot of heartburn this time too, as with all my pregnancies.

Dealing with dry skin (but that could be the winter weather). 

Craving alllllllllll sweets! I swear, I am eating ice cream every night! It's terrible, but it's an excuse to get some more calcium, am I right?!

Today is Wednesday, February 12th, and I am 22w6d. 

Monday, I had a pernatology appointment. I didn't know if I want to share the experience I had on our blog, but I like to be honest and not hold things back that really happen, and this is a document of my pregnancy with Anna. So, I went into the room, normal scan but the sonographer was looking at everything and I thought it was just a little strange since I had already had my anatomy scan weeks ago. She was literally counting each and every finger and toe, looking and measuring every brain vessel, bone, just everything, very, very, very thorough. Next the doctor came in, {same peri I had with my pregnancy with Emily, so he knows me and my history very well} and he did a scan too and said, "she is beautiful!" Heartbeat was 152 bpm. She was moving and kicking and looked perfect! The nurses then did the cervical check and all was fine with that. Cervix was 3.2. Then she said the doctor will be back in. Why was he coming back in, I thought? 

So he came back in...said, "I want to do a scan.." and I said, "you know you already did one, right?" (thinking maybe he forgot what room he was in) and he said he knew and wanted to look at something. Okay....

So he started the scan and went immediately to her leg bones, specifically, the bones between the knee and ankle. He measured the bones. Then asked how tall my husband was. I said 6'2. And how tall am I? I said 5'8. How tall are your other girls? I said, they are tall too. Emily was just measured in the 75th percentile for one year olds. He then moved to the arms and measured them. Then he looked more clearly at her face and said, clearly I see a nasal bone, so that's good. I was really confused.

Finally, with my heart in my throat, I asked, is something wrong!? The doctor finally explained that Anna is measuring very small in her limbs. Let me first say that this can be completely normal. She is very healthy and growing appropriately for gestational age. But as it shows right now her legs are measuring in the 7th percentile and her arms in the 10th. He said, they then look for the nasal bone, to rule out certain things such as down syndrome and of course, my blood work from the first trimester. He said to call my OB and make sure the blood work was all normal, which it was. Amen. Anna clearly has a nasal bone and every other perfect body part.

He said basically we just have to wait until the next peri appointment in 4 weeks, March 11th. Once again, he said this could all resolve before the next appointment. And that she may be just be a smaller baby then of others (let's hope of course, that she isn't small like the triplets were!) and may not be as tall as them when she grows up. Of course we are praying and hoping for everything to be just fine and if she's a little shorter than her sisters, well that's just fine! :) 

Of course it isn't settling to hear that anything could possibly be wrong with your child, but I am being optimistic. I really can't make anymore conclusions until the next appointment, and each appointment after that, we will know more and more. But no matter what I still feel a little uneasy.

All I know for now and what I have to have faith in, is that my sweet baby girl that is growing inside of me, is doing just fine and even if she has shorter limbs, she is still strong enough to be kicking the heck out of me everyday...and each time she does, it's making me smile! :)

And here are some photos taken at the appointment (22w4d):

Today, I am 23 weeks and feeling good! I didn't get much sleep last night, but that's to be expected when your belly is growing and it's getting more uncomfortable. I miss sleeping on my belly so.much!!!!!!! Other than that, all is good. Anna-Kate is moving so much and kicking me all evening! I love it and I will miss never having this feeling again...but I feel so blessed that I got to experience it three times over! 

Here is a photo at 23 weeks (and 1 day) of the growing belly I feel like I am carrying much higher this pregnancy, even though the doctors keep saying she is VERY head down:

Hoping the next 17 weeks go super smooth!

Happy Love Day!!

Valentines Day 2012: I cannot believe how small everyone was! OH MY GOSH!

Valentines Day 2013

No one looks very happy in these photos since everyone just woke up. I made their shirts and they turned out really cute! I am slowly getting the hang of making stuff, thanks to the many, many tutorials from my MIL! :) She is a pro!

They LOVE putting their hair up now and I am loving it too! Natalee's is so straight that it literally sticks straight up!

My sweet Emme was only a little over two weeks old last Valentines Day! Ekk!

We plan on hanging out and doing some more crafts and coloring...just being together, which matters the most (although that's pretty much everyday!)! Madelynn is coming down with something (hoping it's not an ear infection) and isn't feeling well so I wanted to just stay in and let them play! I'm going to make heart shaped grilled cheese for lunch, with strawberries on the side. Dinner will be homemade spaghetti and homemade cherry pie! Gotta get working....

Of course my wonderful hubby got me some Krispie Kreme doughnuts for me and the growing baby! My favorite! 

Also, I cannot believe that it's been FIVE years since Tim proposed to me over a wonderful lunch we had! EKK! I am so blessed and in love with that man! He has my whole heart and always will!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day with those that you love!

Catch-Up: Our Weekend!

I feel like I get on a roll with posting and then boom, I drop off the deep end (which would actually never happen because I HATE deep water with a passion - were talking, even the pool.) Any who...we have had a nice relaxing weekend at home, which was nice. I get stir-crazy so easily, since I don't get out much, but sometimes it really is just nice not to go anywhere!

On Friday, I got to take the girls to Pump It Up...it's a local play place that has lots of blown-up moon-bounce-type-things. It was sponsored by our local Infants and Toddlers and even though we aren't a part of INT anymore, they still let us come, which is seriously so nice of them! Let's just say the girls had more fun in the two hours we were there than their entire life combined. They jumped and bounced, and jumped and bounced...the whole time. They play so well without me, I must say I am very blessed. There were so many kids who would not leave their parent's side or get in any bouncy-thing and my girls are like, "bye bye momma...were playing!!!" They went up the tallest ladders and slid down the biggest slides....even so many of our therapists were like, "I cannot believe your little peanut Natalee who is 19lbs can climb all the way up there!!!" I'm like, "yeah, don't let her little self fool you!!" The girls had fun throwing balls and playing with all of the different toys! It was seriously so fun! I got a little nausea while sitting in one of the bounce houses for awhile but it passed. I was so lucky that Emily had so much fun playing on the floor (she did go in the bounce house but only when I was in there!) and riding on the toy cars. She amazed me going back and forth on the toy cars..and we have three of them at home and she has never done that. I was so proud of her. She also got lots of cuddles from one of our INT therapists and for that I was thankful because I got to run around chasing after the trio! I cannot wait to take Tim with us next time, she is going to be shocked at all the strength the girls have to do some of the activities!

Here are just a few photos that I took with my phone. I didn't even bother bringing my big camera because I knew I wouldn't have time to take photos and honestly, I do not like my expensive camera sitting where I am not watching it at every second. I would die if something happened to it!

On our way out the girls got a snack and then we picked up MCD for lunch. The girls ate better than they have in weeks. Some nuggets, fries, cucumbers, apple slices...they were in heaven. And then they slept til almost 5pm, which I normally wouldn't let them do but I knew they were absolutely exhausted....and so was I!

Saturday we stayed home and Nana came over to visit! The girls were super happy about that! I got a lot of cleaning and laundry done, which after I turned around and it was all done, I was like, "WOW, this place was a mess!" After nap time, we all ventured in the car and drove down to Rockville to drop off a toy bin that another awesome bloggy Momma wanted. It was so awesome to meet her and her sweet little ones in person!! Her babies were born on the same exact day, one year apart! I am hoping we can get together sometime soon and let our kids play!

Sunday, we had a relaxing day at home and the girls snuggled with Daddy before breakfast. Love this photo I snapped of them watching ESPN with their Daddy. 

Natalee is on a "DA-EEEEEE" kick right now. Everything is, "I ove Da-eee" and "where da-eee?" and "my da-eee"...ALL.DAY!!!!! She even calls out for him when she is in bed at night...."da-eeee, da-eeeee". MELT.MY.HEART!!! She must say "I love da-eee" one hundred times a day!

Again, Nana came over to play and Tim went to play golf. Yes, in the 45 degree, wet weather....but he had fun so that's all that matters!

Today, I get to see little Miss Anna-Kate at my appointment so I am excited for that! I will post any photos I get, if I do.

Pregnancy Announcement!

I am so so so excited to announce the my SIL, Megan and her husband Julian are expecting their first child next August (and yes it's JUST ONE!)! Whahoo!!! 

Tim and I are so excited to be an Uncle and Aunt for the first time! :)

As much as I think Megan will have a boy, I am hoping for a little girl (sorry Julian) since I don't think our five girls are enough in this family!

Yay for two new babies this summer!!!!!!!!!

Congrats Megan and Julian!!!!!! We love you lots and are so happy you are adding to the chaos of fun!

Our {Choo Choo} Wagon!

About a month ago I finally got to get the girls a Choo Choo Wagon from another set of triplets and I was so excited! I had seen so many other moms of multiples have this wagon and to say I was a bit jealous was an understatement, especially if you have ever pushed a 68 pound {w/o kids in it} quad stroller around full of kids for more than five minutes, you would understand! IT'S FREAKIN' HEAVY!!!!

The weather around here in Maryland has been super crazy, to say the least. One day it's 19 degrees and snowing and the next it's 70 degrees and we have severe thunderstorms with tornado watches. Weird. I totally prefer the 19 degree and LOTS of snow...but I do enjoy the warmer weather because that means we can get outside! And finally that day arrived the other day.

Their names are NOT written on the side of the cars... JUST AN FYI on who is who!

The girls had SO.MUCH.FUN in their new wagon! They kept saying, "choo choo" and "yet's go Momma" if I would stop for a minute to catch my breath. 

Then we went for a longer walk around the neighborhood {because Daddy was done washing the cars and could pull} and as always we were a spectacle. People honking their horns, pointing at us and stopping us to talk. It's okay sometimes but until you experience it {whenever you leave the house} you don't know how it feels to have people stare like were a freak show. Of course some people, {as I've stated before} are sweet and just super nice and caring and others just stare like they've never seen a two year old before. Trust me, it can get very rude, very fast, and I must say, I have a hard time smiling and ignoring {sometimes}. Especially when it comes to rude and annoying questions, like, "why are you having more children?" SERIOUSLY? Or "were they IVF?", and of course my all time favorite {which I have always mentioned} "you must have lots of help?" Like any of it is any of your business!?! I know people probably don't intentionally mean to be rude and stare, but it happens all the time and it's really hard to ignore {at times}. I can't imagine what it would be like to have sextuplets or more and go out... I really worry about what my girls will think about people starring at them when they get a little bit older. I will have to bite my tongue and teach them the proper ways to react, and of course to never stare at others because it's RUDE {whether you are curious or not}!

Anyway, we had a blast in our new choo choo wagon and unfortunately we know it will cause a scene where ever we go, but we are learning to dealing with it. {I can't wait to take them to see the Easter bunny in the mall in their choo choo wagon...HAHA!}

Okay, enough ranting for the day....got to go get to all that laundry piled up!