Post-Partum: My Journey

{ Please note: I have been writing this post for almost a year now, and have finally decided to post it. This is only my journey and that is what I am speaking of. }

Post-partum is no joke. It's pure hell. I went through it. I believe I still in some ways suffer from it and I think in some ways I always will. I surely will never forget it. The feelings. The tears. The emotions. The severe heartache. As hard as this is to talk about and something I have really struggled with, this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and ultimately my journey. This is the documentation of my life. No one else. Mine. And what I hope is that I may be able to help someone else in my thoughts and that's what matters to me. I also want this documentation for myself and my girls to always have.

I think for me, there were many parts to post-partum both with my triplets and singleton. There was recovery from a cesarean versus a vaginal birth. There was having multiple micro-preemie babies on breathing machines and not being able to hold them versus having a baby in my room which never left my side. There was the life-changing scary complications and hemorrhaging versus a super easy VBAC. There was leaving the hospital without my flesh and blood versus leaving with a healthy baby. There was coming home to an empty, lonely house versus a house full of big sisters and a newborn to care for. There was waking up each morning without your babies versus having your baby right there next to you. There was the ups and downs of NICU scares. There was my baby almost dying. Over and over. Infections, failed picc lines, blood transfusions, surgeries. There was so much. SO MUCH. SO much pain the first time around. My heart was scared for life.

My time after the delivery of the triplets was so hard. SO HARD. I can't even put into words what I really went through. I just don't have the words, to be honest. Pure pain. Worst pain of my life.  A lot of it, I went through alone. Alone, because mostly of my choice. My husband saw most of it. My parents, some. Me, all of it. And all of it, well, it sucked. I cried. And cried. And cried. All I did was cry. I cried so hard so many days, I almost made myself sick. I wanted my babies so bad. It was the worst feelings in the world. The hardest thing I ever went through. I could literally feel my heart hurting, aching, needing my babies. I wanted to be with them all of the time. Every inch of my body hurt for them. My body needed them. They needed me. I needed them. I craved them. How could I not? I just had lived 32w2d doing everything I could to keep them inside of me and then they are taken from me and I was supposed to just leave. My belly and babies were gone, along with my heart. All I left with walking out of the hospital was the bracelets on my arms with my babies names and numbers on it. I was so thankful for that though. They were healthy and alive and therefore I had a bracelet to prove it. To prove each one of them were mine! But that was the only part of them I took with me. That I was allowed to take with me. I wasn't allowed to take my babies home. I couldn't. And I know I couldn't. But that didn't make it any easier. No way. Not at all.

In the instant you become a mother there are things that are changed inside of you forever. No doubt in my mind. It's a feeling that you can never forget or have replaced. It's not able to be described or understood other than when you become a mother, in however way, you know exactly what I mean. Until then, you think you know what it feels like, but honestly you have no idea at all. I sure thought I knew. I thought I was prepared. And I surely wasn't. It's the most undeniable and real feeling of love that you have ever felt for another human being. I felt this times three. At one instant. My life and everything I thought I knew, changed forever the moment those three babies were born.

And because I have had another baby, I know I felt those feeling times three when my triplets were born. I know it was, with out a doubt, way more intense than with a singleton. I am not saying in any way that I felt less love for Emily, not at all, so please don't twist my words there, but God sent me those "motherly" feelings times three because I gave birth to three babies.

And those feeling were strong. Stronger than I ever imagined they could be. All I wanted was to be with my babies. My flesh. My heart. With them, no matter what. But to be honest, it was two fold. Somewhat hard to understand to some, but being at the hospital and in the NICU was wonderful but it wasn't right. We weren't at home. I wasn't able to be the mom I wanted to be. I had to be strong. I had to put a smile on my face. I had to pretend I was okay. I hated that. Oh, how I hated that. I had to be around other parents. I had to be around other sick babies. I had to listen to other people loose their babies. Their flesh and blood, dying. While I sat there holding mine. No one should have to listen to another mother wale because her baby just died. I still pray for that mother. I hope she has found some peace. I knew when I was in the NICU, that I had to eventually leave. I hated to leave. How do you leave again and again, and again? So going to the hospital to see them was hard because it was one step closer to leaving them again. And again. And again. For months. How horrible is that feeling that I hate to remember. Leaving. Saying goodbye. Every day and every night. Knowing someone else is caring for your baby. Your flesh. Your heart. I cried every single night home as I drove home in the cold dark.

Listening to nurses ramble all the time. The good. The bad. The gossip. Not knowing if your night nurse was the best one possible. Not knowing if your baby is just another baby.  I hated that. I prayed each baby was taken care of as if they were there own flesh. I pray that's how it is. And honestly I don't want to know any different. I hated when I was there and my baby girls cried. I cried right with them because even though I was there at that moment, I wasn't for so many other moments. That was so hard. I hated with everything in me that I couldn't be there at every single moment like a mother should be and I felt bad for that. I felt guilty for that. SO guilty. Guilty that I didn't do enough to carry them longer, to make them not struggle to breath and to live. Like a bad mother. A mother who didn't do enough. What I could have done differently. What I could have done better. And I wanted to be there all of the time to care for them. I was their mother. I was their mommy. They needed their mommy and no one else could replace me.

In complete reality on better days I knew my babies couldn't be home with me. I knew they needed to be in the NICU. I'm not dumb. But it doesn't take away the pain of having to leave them to be cared for by others. It doesn't take away the pain your heart feels and the ache of your deepest soul. The emotions just can't be explain. You completely understand reality but your heart takes over your mind and sometimes it is honestly hard to find the balance between the two.

They say time heals. And, I am so thankful that I can stay at home with my girls each and every day because of it has helped my healing process. Another blessing I have been given. I know I could never, ever leave them with anyone else in the whole world, day in and day out. I'm a HUGE supporter of early childhood development and socialization, and I was determined my children would be in a teaching, loving environment because I would be working the career that I spent six years in school for. But, I am so glad that is not the case though, for now. I couldn't have done it. God had His plan worked out long before I knew. I know I couldn't have. It may seem silly to some, but everyone goes through their own struggles. This would have been a huge struggle of mine.

Even when I go out for an hour or two by myself, I miss them. My heart misses them. Sometimes I want to scream I need to leave this house so badly, but then when I get the chance and I leave for a little, all I want to do is come back home. They are my life. I love them so much. I worry about them so much. SO much it hurts sometimes. I hope that's normal. I don't want to know it's not.

I love going in and watching them sleep. Just me and them, in a dark room. They are so peaceful. So innocent. So precious. Gifts from God. Miracles. Their little selves are made from me and my husband. I still can't believe some days that they are mine! I am so blessed. So beyond blessed. I ask God daily what I did to deserve such blessings as caring for their growing souls. What I did to deserve such precious little souls that call me Mama. I am forever thankful and grateful for His gift.

I realize what happened in the past is in the past. Post-partum is no joke. It's real and it's serious. Thanks to therapy and zoloft, I can say that it's only a scar on my heart and that is it. The memories are there and I need to accept it and leave it there. It is what it is. And although it will haunt me for all of my life, it does not define me. It does not hold me back from being the mother I am supposed to be. I am a better mother because of it. And, I am not ashamed to say that.

When Mommy Couldn't Hold You

When I was in Dr. Pinckert's office the other day, I came across the Triplet Connection magazine, which I haven't seen before. I decided not to subscribe to this organization because you had to pay a fee to be a part of it, but I was eager to see some of their info and maybe I would change my mind.

I really liked the magazine and I might subscribe. But while reading it, I came across this poem and it brought tears to my eyes. It is absolutely beautiful and everything I felt during the 35 days of my girls in the NICU, and now once again during a scary situation with Natalee. I think that any parent who have had a child in the NICU can relate to this poem, or a parent of multiples, as most multiples spend some time in the NICU.  It is written by a mom of triplets, and who also happens to be a social worker too.

When Mommy Couldn't Hold You

By Sarah Kamienski

"Pregnant? Us? Oh, this will be great!,"

I remember thinking that day.

Not having a clue what lay in store,

Or really knowing the way.

After days and weeks and months of growing,

You made Mommy's tummy quite large.

For each moment that you were safely inside me,

I felt that I was in charge.

Then all of the sudden - I couldn't believe it!

Mommy felt so unprepared.

When the doctor said, "This is it! Here we go!"

Mommy was so very scared.

You were not "due" for weeks to come,

I thought I had so much more time

To prepare myself, my heart, my life,

But my plans flipped on a dime.

Then all of the sudden and without much warning,

It was all taken out of my hands.

When out of my tummy you came so fast,

And then Mommy's real fear began.

Although my tummy seemed quite large for me,

You, my dear, were not.

Off to the NICU, alone, you were sent.

My heart, it leapt, felt caught.

A whole new world we entered then,

Not knowing quite what to do.

Not able to hold you, at first, even touch you

And yet, oh, how my love grew!

After just one moment of breathing you in,

My heart was forever changed.

For you had captured me with your precious spirit;

A stake in my soul, you had claimed.

I watched and I cried as they wrapped you in blankets,

Swaddling you with oh so much care.

I raised my empty hands up to Heaven,

Admitting I was so very scared.

I longed to hold you. I longed to protect you.

I longed to make it ok.

Yet, it became clear that I was no longer "in charge,"

And that all I could do was pray.

I offered my milk, I offered my presence.

I learned how to touch you just so.

That you would feel safe, cared for, and loved,

Through the glass you would know.

Then, as clearly as day, I opened my eyes

And saw for the very first time-

It wasn't the incubator that held you at all.

It was God. His hands, you were fine.

You see, dear child, I never had control,

As much as I would've liked to think.

For this was His plan, I see now so clearly.

In letting go, I found the link.

The comfort in moments of fear for tomorrow;

the solace for unending tears.

The truth that when Mommy couldn't hold you,

Dear child, He was so very near.

His angels around you, above and below,

They guarded you morning and night.

Singing sweet songs and calming your fears;

Never letting you out of their sight.

You see, my sweet angel, I have learned at long last

That there is no guarantee.

All we have is this moment to love one another,

To rest, to cherish, to be.

So, as you grow up and the memories fade

Of your days spent in the NICU,

May you always remember the closeness you felt

To the One who protected and held you.

I know you'll be scared again someday.

But whenever you feel some alarm,

Remember the truth that when Mommy can't hold you,

God holds you safe in His arms.

This poem was dedicated to Ansley, Noah and Jack; born at 28 weeks 5 days on April 22, 2008.

First Trip out with ALL girlies!

Friday was our first trip out with all three girls and just the two of us, all alone...oh, and did I mention it was snowing the whole day too?!

Well....we survived and it wasn't that bad to be honest. We took the girls to the pediatrician where they were more than happy to help us out! First of all, we woke up kind of late...what do you expect though it was our first night home with all three girls and as tired as I was, I think it went pretty good. It is amazing how long it will take from now on to get out the door with three little ones! Phew! While I got everything ready, I asked Tim to put together the double stroller but when we got to the doctors and pulled it out it looked really strange with the car seats in it (they were like upside down practically...it looked so weird). We thought that there was no way it was right and threw it back in the trunk since it was snowing so hard and hello, we had these preemie babies out in the cold and wet. I can only imagine how funny we looked from the windows of the office building surrounding us. We just couldn't figure it out and then we couldn't figure out how the car seats came off of the crazy thing. Oh ya know, those funny stories we will tell the girls when they grow up.

The appointment went well and we met the Similac rep...and he said he would be bringing us lots of formula for the girls. Such a nice guy, and today when we went back to the pediatrician there was a case of formula waiting for us...over a $120 dollars worth of free NeoSure formula. Considering we are only putting one tablespoon per six ounces of breast milk, these cans will last us a long time! Plus the way these girls are gaining weight, they will probably be off of the NeoSure pretty soon anyway.

So, as of today, Madelynn weighs 5lbs 15oz, Claire weighs 6lbs 6oz and Natalee weighs 4lbs 1oz. All of them are doing great!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, I have developed an infection in my uterus. My incision and whole lower area has been awesome, with barely any pain after the first week of my delivery. I really think the whole c-section thing was super easy after the first week...and with all my complications, it probably is a lot less for other women. So anyway, I had been feeling great and then all of the sudden last Friday I felt really sore on my abdomen, right above my incision site. I thought maybe I was getting an infection on the surface but there was no redness and it wasn't leaking any fluid from it so I wasn't too worried and I had an appointment yesterday so I figured I would wait and see. I was just scheduled for a follow-up and pap smear but I told them of my symptoms and they felt how tender I was, and Dr. Pinckert decided to do a culture instead. The coloring inside of my cervix up to my uterus was a little discolored, so he thought for sure it was an infection and put me on two antibiotics. We are still waiting for the cultures to grow and find out what it is. We have no idea what could have caused it either, I have followed ever single direction he gave me for post c-section rules. So, we are hoping it goes away with the antibiotics very quickly and of course if I develop a fever or anything worse, I have to call right away. But I can't help but worry that this could be because of all the complications that I had and it worries me that it could be the start of issues to come with my uterus. I hope it's not and I am trying to stay positive but it just is in the back of my mind. We will see but just hoping the soreness goes away.

Mama Bird Update

Well, here we are already TWO AND A HALF WEEKS post c-section! I cannot believe I have NO belly and yet NO babies with me. I swear it is playing mind tricks on me.

Just wanted to give an update on how I am doing.
I am pumping every 2.5-3 hours. It's tiring and I am VERY sore. I have met with the lactation consultant, and have been given the, ahem, largest suction funnels available. Yeah, lovely, right. I was blessed with boobies, what can I say. But my nipples are SORE. I can handle it, as I will do anything to give my babies the best possible chance to grow strong, but phew, it's uncomfortable. I know they say that pumping isn't suppose to hurt, but it hurts I think.

Emotionally, I am doing much better this week than last week. I can make it through most days without crying. Not to say that I don't tear up or want to cry, but I can find it in me to stop and look on the bright side. It's still very, very hard but I am looking forward to each day and knowing it's one day closer to all my babies being in the same house!

But here's the things I have been excited about these past two weeks:

1. I can breath! (From the moment Natalee was out)
2. I can tie my shoes by myself and put my UGG's on by myself.
3. I don't have to shower with a "purse"!
4. I have ankles and toes again!
5. I'm not congested.
6. I am not coughing up mucus.
7. From my swollen feet, my UGG's are so stretched that I can almost kick them off when I walk.
8. I can go up and down the stairs without taking a break and being out-of-breath.
9. I can leave the house!
10. I don't have to stare at 4 blue walls all day!
11. I can get out of bed and get up off the couch by myself.
12. I don't have to be hooked up to a pump and wake up to change the batteries and medication, or remember to take it with me everywhere I go!
13. I don't have to be hooked up to a contraction machine ten times a day for an hour each.
14. I don't have to wait for nurses to call.
15. My life doesn't revolve around food...well...maybe still a little.
16. I can bend over.
17. I can drive!
18. I don't have a constant headache.
19. I don't have to rely on my husband for EVERYTHING!
20. My belly doesn't itch anymore!
21. I'm not limping like an over-stuffed penguin.
22. I don't need to carry tums around with me, or eat them constantly.
23. I don't have to get up every ten minutes to pee.
24. I don't have to sit while in the shower.
25. I can actually reach my legs to shave.
26. I don't have to go to the doctor every single week.
27. Hmm...I'm sure there is plenty more but I think I'll stop here.

Along with all of these wonderful things, I have lost 48 pounds in TWO WEEKS! I am down to 132lbs. I really don't care if I loose anymore; I could have gained a little anyway when I was only 126lbs., so I am not worried anymore! I feel great and I look great! The only thing that I hope gets better is the stretch marks on my lower belly (they have already really improved, so I am not too worried) and my belly button. My belly button went back in but it is still very stretched. Every few days I am looking better and better. No one can believe it. And I must say I am proud of my body, it did a good job while I was pregnant and has done a good job since then.  I will definitely be back in a bikini by summer, along with three little girlie's in theirs!

So here's my photo, from this evening. It's crazy to think that tomorrow morning would have been our c-section! I can't even imagine being pregnant the past two and a half weeks!

Our First Family Photo!