By the time anyone reads this I will be on my first ever night away from the girls and Tim. Shocking, I know.
It's taken a lot, let me say that again, A LOT, for me to feel okay about going 3 hours away to the beach for an overnight stay for my SIL's Bachelorette Party.
Don't get me wrong. I want to feel okay, more than okay, comfortable, to be able to be away from home and my family for a night or two...but I don't. My heart hurts.
Going away for Em's birth was enough for me. I hated that. I was ready to leave three hours after she was born. It killed me to sit in that darn hospital room after her birth the whole next day and do nothing. I did love the time I spent starring at my newest little girl and kissing her a hundred times an hour, but I could have done all that stuff at home with my other little girls by my side. And, they were 13 months old, not 7 months. Not attached to Momma the way Em is.
I know my husband is fully capable of taking care of the girls by himself. He is wonderful with his little girls. And my MIL is five minutes away and is planning on being at our house for most of the day on Saturday, so really if I can't be here, she is the next best thing. In fact, Natalee prefers Nana to me any day! *tear*
It's just that until you are a mother, you just don't get how hard it is to get away. To leave your children. And to even think about relaxing by yourself? Yeah, right. There is no relaxing, because you worry. You worry about every little thing. From a little slip on the hardwood floor to cries in the middle of the night, no one can replace a momma's unconditional love and tender touch. The what-ifs. We don't let the girls even be in the car with anyone driving but us, my parent's or Tim's mom. End of story, no if, and's or buts...unless it was an immediate emergency. If you're a mom, you know what I mean. Your heart is beating in each of your children. You can never love or protect them enough.
And that's what breaks my heart. Even for the mere 36 hours that I will be gone..if I even make it that long...I will be missing my girls and my love so much.
I held Em a little longer tonight after she fell asleep on me, and I kissed the girls a few extra times before bed. Claire called me back in tonight when I was closing their door, "maaaaa" and I said, "night, night, I love you girls," and she said, "ni-niiiiii, loooo ew maaaa" the sweetest sounds in the world. My heart smiled.
You may think I am silly. I am over protective of them. I know that. No one has to tell me that it's a good thing I stay home with them because I would never, ever be able to take them to daycare each day (only if it was my mom's center, but no where else). For goodness sake, it took my mom and dad ten years to go away for a few days for the first time after I was born. Yes, I was 10 YEARS OLD! If I never ever go away again, it would be fine with me. Forget that ski trip Tim and I keep talking about for this winter. I want to be able to get away for a few days, but then again, no place in the world is better than with my girls.
No place in the world makes me as happy as being home with Tim and my girls...so why would I ever want to get away from them. They are my life.
I'm looking on the bright side. Time with my SIL. Sitting in my chair at the beach. Trying that relaxing thing. Maybe I can actually open my book and read for awhile. Blue crabs. BLUE CRABS. Say no more.
And I'm driving my own car, so I can get up on Sunday morning and head back home whenever I want, to my little girls, who probably won't have even realized I was gone in the first place!
