Warning: Super long and complicated post.
As many of you know, I love being a part of the Montgomery County Parents of Multiples Club. I love love love all the wonderful people I have met and the support, advice and knowledge I have gained from so many other moms of multiples.
Every morning I get a synopsis of the "groups" that I am a part of within MCPOM and I normally cannot wait to read the posts each day when I am feeding the girls early in the morning. Some of them are funny and light-hearted, some of them are serious and looking for advice and some are just plain crazy about every day life with multiples. Everyone is usually so nice and so willing to offer advice in any way they can, and that is what is so appreciated. I find so much comfort in knowing that there are so many other moms out there going through some of the same things I am and that only moms of multiples quite understand. But also sometimes it is clear that I am very, very, very different from many of the other moms in this group.
First of all, you have to understand where Montgomery County is, for those who don't know, we are right outside of DC. Montgomery County is one of the top 2% of wealthiest counties in the nation (however that doesn't include us..haha). Median income in 2009 was just under $100,000, the average home price was just under $500,000 and this year we have the highest graduation rate in the nation! Yeah, so people here have lots of money and many aren't afraid to show it. Not to say that there aren't many people who are at middle to lower-middle class also, as in any sub-burb there are always many social if you ask the social worker in me.
So anyway, back to the MCPOM Club, many of the families in our area have nannies/night nurses and or multiple nannies, since money is not much of an issue (well it's an issue to be made, but not to be spent). I guess I see and hear about it more because many of the MCPOM families have nannies/night nurses since they have more children at one time. Not that some families who have one child don't have nannies also, but I am only speaking of what I see and most of that is families with multiples. There are so many posts on a daily basis that state: Best Night Nurse Available, Best Nanny Available....and so on.
So the other day I was reading the posts early in the morning while feeding one of the girls and I haven't been able to stop thinking about the post since then. Everyday new people keep writing responses to the original post and I do really like what I hear, but still it blows my mind. I went back and forth about writing about this and I just had to get my thoughts out. I'm not asking for anyone to agree with me but when I need to ponder over things, I tend to write. I have always been like that and so this is just me. This is my blog and these are my thoughts.
Anyway, first I must say that I understand every single family is different, with different dynamics and different issues that create challenges. Whether one child or ten children, there are many challenges throughout every age and such, so I do get that.
Let me just post exactly what this mom wrote on Monday:
My husband and I are exhausted. We have decided we need more help than what we currently have, but I'm not quite sure what that should look like and am interested in hearing what configurations of childcare and household help you've found work best for you.
Here's the story: We both work 45 hr a week jobs, have an au-pair, and have three kids, a 4 year old and 16 month twins. Our au pair works 45 hrs/wk during business hours. Our former nanny comes in to do laundry and housework twice a week during the day for 3 hours each time. Once a month, we have a housekeeper do heavy cleaning. We have no weekend help.
Our weekends are our biggest challenge. After two days of caring for the kids and spending our evenings grocery shopping and cooking for the week, we're totally spent. We feel like we have virtually no leisure time and if we do, it's because we're putting off other things that need to get done.
I'm interested in hearing from parents with similar schedules specifically about how you structure your childcare, cleaning help, etc to get it all done.
With all due respect, please don't tell me to get a different job or ignore the piles of stuff! We feel like we've already cut out that which we can ignore.
Thanks!
Speechless!!! I read this over and over again and just tried to picture the life of this family. I do not want to assume anything so I won't, but come on! You have to be kidding me!!
She has an au-pair, a former nanny who comes in for 3 hours twice a week to do laundry and house-keeping, and has a house-cleaner come once per month....AND after only TWO days of taking care of the children and going grocery shopping, they are exhausted?!? Say what? Am I reading that correctly?? You need MORE help than you currently have!?! You want to know what works best for me...uh, how about staying home and doing those things myself and enjoying my children!!!!!
One commenter posted: When are we supposed to have leisure time when we have kids?
I like that one!
Another commenter posted: We currently have a full time nanny and she does our grocery shopping and cooking for us and that has made a world of difference for our sanity. We both work full time but only have twins. :)
Gee, a full-time nanny and she does all the shopping and cooking and you ONLY have twins!
And another: I have to admit, I am kind of jealous too. We don't have the third kid, which I am sure adds extra pressure for you, but we have the two full time jobs, with only a nanny who works 42 hours a week. The rest is up to the two of us. No family nearby. Come Sept, no more nanny either. What is this thing called "leisure time?" LOL.
Sigh, if anyone can dole out some energy dust so we can get it all done, I would be eternally grateful.
Again, wow, ONLY a nanny that works 42 hours and the rest is up to you?! Geeze, how do you do it!? And come Sept. no more nanny...ah, the world is coming to an end!!
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First of all, seriously people, what happened to taking care of your own children? I get people have to work to make that $100,000 pay-check to keep up our county's income stats(sarcasm), but geeze, I just wonder about these children and what they'll think when they grow up. It makes me so sad. Will they be saying, "remember when {the nanny} took us to the pool and wasn't that fun when {she/he} would buy us ice cream...remember when we went to the zoo with {the nanny} and saw the elephants, lion and tigers....remember when {the nanny} used to read us our favorite book at bedtime and help us say our prayers...remember when {the nanny} would make us grilled cheese and tomato soup when it snowed and put extra marshmallows in our hot chocolate...remember when {the nanny} would kiss our booboo's and put princess bandaids on them...I mean aren't these the things YOU want to do with your children as THE PARENT! Do these children run to {the nanny} before they run to their own parent (?)...so sad!!!! I want my children to remember what we did for them, where we took them and what we let them experience, not what {the nanny} did. You have to spend time with your children to make those memories with them, for them to cherish forever and ever and to raise them to do those things with their children. Time goes by so fast and children grow up in the blink of our eyes and personally I don't want to miss a thing with my children.
Second of all, it just makes me so mad that people complain about them being so exhausted when they have {a nanny/MULTIPLE nannies} and people doing their laundry and cooking for them, and shopping for them, and cleaning their houses!!! I simply just do not get it and I can't help but shake my head. I do it all every single day and I am not super mom! It doesn't take a brain scientist to keep a structured household and parent a child; just love, patience and the willingness to always be there no matter what. I am sorry but it is just so sad. I feel for these many children being raised by {nannies} and I hate hearing people complain about how busy or tired they are. Give me a break!!! I do laundry every single day, fold it and put it away, I make, heat up and feed many, many bottles each day, I change diapers, I plan our meals, clip coupons and shop for our family's food, not to mention cook the food too! My husband helps out every day, he does dishes, he puts away dishes, he takes out the trash, he washes bottles, he cooks dinner, he cleans, he provides for our family, he mows our grass, he changes the dirtiest diapers, he gives baths...and we do all of this together. It's never about who does this and who does that, it's just what needs to be done to take care of our family, and we do it all just the two of us. I guess "doing it just the two of us" would freak out some people like them having multiple nannies freaks me out! We do this because this is what we wanted. We wanted a family and these are the things that go with having a family.
We didn't and don't have a "night nurse" come and care for our children at night; we get up and do it ourselves. Sometimes I am thankful I don't have a lot of money and can't afford these things because frankly that "money" would be taking away memories of raising my own children. Yes, it would be nice to sleep through the night, but when my children are grown I want to look back and cherish those times when it was just the two of us rocking together in the middle of the night, and I want to be able to give my children advice on how to raise their children, and not just say "oh well, I'm not sure, the {night nurse} or {the nanny} always took care of you!" How horrible is that!!? My needs were put second the day I become pregnant and I have plenty of time to sleep in the future. And even though my husband gets up everyday to go to work at 5am, he never complains about caring for our three infants in the middle of the night.
No one helps us daily and no one has since the day our girls came home from the NICU, and it's ok. I'm ok with it, and well, I have just had to accept that it's just me caring for them day in and day out. Yes, I am exhausted and some days I cry right along with all of the girls, it's that bad. Some days I feel like I can't go on another second, I am so over-whelmed, but I do and I will continue to do it all. For gosh sakes, sometimes I have to pee with a kid on my lap....and many days I wonder if God is testing my patience and my ability to be a good mom. But even on the worse day, I pick my head up and I thank God for the blessings of these little girls, because even on those really bad days, they are nothing compared to the bad days I had when I wasn't a mom.
I have no problem with nannies watching children as a form of day care for when parent's have to work, and if you can afford to have someone come to your home and watch your children, all the power to you (it's just not for me, and I also won't go into how their social skills might lack with that) BUT I totally understand parent's need to work and provide things for their family, especially when faced with raising multiples. Most parents these days cannot afford to stay at home with their children, but that is not what I am saying. But having your nanny do this and do that, and then someone come clean your house and make your food and shop for you...and then complain about how it isn't enough, that I don't get at all!!! Do they put toothpaste on your toothbrush too (I heard Prince Charles has someone who does that for him.....UNBELIEVABLE!!!!)?
Even if I had all the money in the world, I would still stay at home with my children and take in every moment with them, I just might have a pool in the backyard and go on nice vacations. But why do people have children if others will be raising them during the most important and influential time in their lives? I prayed and prayed for my children and they are each such a blessing that I want to cherish every single day. I love taking the girls out individually to run errands, including going to the grocery store and it is something I will continue so that they can have that one on one time with each parent. I much rather live in a house I can afford, do my own grocery shopping, cook my own nutrious meals, kiss my kid's booboos and be the one they run to when want a hug and a kiss.
I'm not saying that these parents don't want that but everyone has choices and can sacrifice certain things and for our children and in our house, our children aren't the ones who are sacrificed. They are the center of our world and always will be. They will be raised by us, kissed and hugged by us and always and for no matter what, loved by us, and never ever by {a nanny}.
